While my testimony and heart seemed to be cracking in two, I continued to read. Truth had to be the most important thing. Joseph Smith taught that we should seek learning by study and also by faith, which I was doing. I devoted so much time to studying from what I felt were well-documented, reliable sources, and prayed fervently that somehow all of these things could be reconciled and the Gospel as I'd been taught it could still be true.
The next thing I looked into was the possibility of Joseph Smith borrowing material from other sources. Clearly this was more speculative research, since anything I discovered would not be provable, but the purpose of this was to see if there were strong similarities between Joseph Smith's writing and the likelihood of his coming in contact with these other source materials.
Emanuel Swedenborg wrote several books on the nature of heaven in his lifetime, which were fascinating and convincing to many. He had many followers while alive and after he died (in 1772). Though he lived in Sweden (shocking, I know, given his name), his teachings had a strong following in the U.S.
Swedenborg had very different views than Joseph Smith on the makeup of the Godhead, as well as many other things, but he did advocate that there are three heavens, the highest being called the Celestial. The celestial heaven is divided into three parts, and you must be married to attain the highest heaven. There is a spirit world (or world of spirits) before entering into heaven. Additionally, little children who die go directly to heaven.
Joseph Smith had opportunities to learn about Swedenborg. As I said already, he had a wide following, so there could possibly have been followers in his general area. Notably, Johnny Appleseed, originally from Massachusetts, was a follower and missionary for the Swedenborgian Church, dropping information about him off wherever his travels took him. It doesn't take much effort to believe that if a humble man from Massachusetts who was familiar with Swedenborg during the same time period, a humble man from upper New York would have learned the same information.
D. Michael Quinn, an ex-communicated historian who still believes in the validity of the LDS Church, discovered that a summary of Swedenborg's book was in the Palmyra library from 1817. (see here, footnote 27)
More information on Swedenborg and the relations to Joseph Smith's ideals, from an apologist, can be found here.
Further possibilities for Joseph Smith to have borrowed ideas include "The Golden Pot", a story from E.T.A. Hoffmann. I found this page, which I thought was very curious. The section entitled "The Cumorah Cave and The Golden Pot" surprised me. For one, I'd never heard that Joseph Smith claimed he'd seen a whole cave of treasure, just a lot of gold plates with the sword, Urim and Thummim, and Liahona. Though there are similarities between the stories, spelled out here, it wasn't the similarities that stuck with me; it was the new information on how Joseph Smith had described Moroni and early visitations from him, as well as the cave. It was all so disturbing for me.
I don't know that there's any real credit to the "Golden Pot" theory, but researching it just seemed to open more room for skepticism. Joseph Smith seemed to be more fond of telling stories in his early days than I realized. What did this mean?
For me, my faith was shaken completely. I didn't know that I could believe anything he'd said or written. But if I'd trusted him for so long, then what else was I wrong about? Did God exist and love me? Did He care, even if He does exist, what goes on with my life?
Fortunately, my faith had always been more centered in my Father in Heaven's love than in any earthly doctrine, because I'd felt it from a very young age, and continually throughout my life. Though I had serious questions about His existence, they were gone within a day. I wrote the following in an email to Jack:
"God in Heaven exists. He loves me. He watches over me. He speaks to me. I don't care if I do or don't become exactly as He is, and I've never cared about whether or not I can become a god. I do want to be more like Him. If you look at mankind, those that are happy or at peace are trying to emulate the attributes I believe are part of Him: goodness, truth, patience, compassion. I realize that if I were completely frustrated and decided against the Church, I would leave behind my pathway to be more like Him. Just as reading scriptures and praying on a daily basis help me in this quest, attending Church reminds me to do those things that are most necessary."
I know this was from a long time ago, but I was just so moved by your post. What an emotional ride and I appreciate the honesty and heart that it took to write this.
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