Perspective: A Year Later

It's amazing that it's been just over a year. I feel like it's been nearly a lifetime, that the space between me and me a year and a half ago is this vast canyon I crossed. Let me discuss just a couple of things.

First, and most importantly, I learned something very valuable about people. They're just people. We all are. We all react, we all have emotions. Some control them better than others, some feel them deeper than others, but we all go through things emotionally. I was so hurt at first by some of the reactions to us leaving, but they don't matter...they were only reactions. I love my family members, both on my side and my husband's, and I know they love me. We have good relationships. I'm glad it only took a little time to come back around, relatively speaking.

I've heard people say that you learn what people are really like when something big happens, like a crisis or a major issue in life. It's true for some. When I told my mom, she took a few days to process it, then said that she really wanted to visit me, that she just felt like spending time with me. That told me a lot about her, and I love her deeply for it. But opposite reactions don't define someone for me. Over time, I've seen other family members come around, speak openly with me, grow closer to me, and apologize even. That tells me more about them than their initial comments.

Second. This is a big one for me. I feel like I became an adult. I can't explain all the ways, though you may understand if you've been through this. I think on my own. I define my own beliefs. I evaluate the world with my own mind and heart. I love humanity not because they're also God's children, but because they do amazing things on an individual and group basis. I love humankind because it's unfathomable that we're even here together, and that is exciting to me. I love looking at the world as bursting with growth and movement throughout billions of years, bringing us to where we are now, and wondering where we'll legitimately be in 200 and 1000 and 5000 years (I can't think beyond that realistically, since it's beyond my abilities at the present moment). Without thinking that we'll be in a Millenium that solves our problems for us and gives us world peace without working for it as a people.

I feel like I can think in a whole new way. I feel like I just tasted a peach, and I've never had anything but meat on a stick and potatoes before. I feel like I've only ever kissed a boy and now I've had sex. Life is amazing. I am amazing. I was happy before, but my happiness is deeper, more meaningful, and more passionate than before.

Third, and lastly for now. I like who I am. I believe in myself because I recognize that all the things I've been able to do and accomplish and become in my life are because I have worked at them. I never took credit for them before, thinking it would be proud, and never believed in my own abilities before. Everything I did before I did because I was endowed with the ability and responsibility to do so, but that old self-deprecating idea is gone. I've run a marathon before - 10 years ago - and I've enjoyed running off and on since then. This year, I'm training for a half-marathon. This year is the first year I feel like I am a runner, not that I was somehow finding a way to survive each run, through pleading and prayer. This is my accomplishment. I've never called myself a runner before, thinking I wasn't good enough. I ran a marathon, for goodness' sake! Now, though, now, I'm a runner.

Now I'm a runner. I'm a pianist. I'm an excellent cook. I'm a baker. I'm a great mom. I'm a good wife. I'm a hiker. I'm beautiful.